Alright so I don't usually write these things, but there is something I have to let out of my system:
So as you know, I've been seeking professional help for quite a few months now, and I would like to say it helped, but not as much as I hoped for. It's helped where I am not suicidal anymore, and I haven't self harmed in a long time. And I haven't been feeling as depressed, or as bad as what I used to be. Now, that said, there are a few things that fail to change. This is online and IRL related so don't get head over heels angry with me if any of you even bother to read this.
Okay, I want to start of with my hobby, drawing, as you would know. I've gained quite a lot of watchers, but it's only stayed at one number, I would get more watchers, but I check one day and it's gone down again. And its been the same for maybe two months now. This doesn't irritate me as much as what has been going on lately. So I post stuff and I get a few faves, but recently my artwork has failed to get as many faves, and that annoys me a little. It's a little disappointing that I finally get a tablet, and I am trying to improve but nobody even cares to acknowledge that. I've asked many times what you would like to see from me. So far, NONE OF YOU HAVE SHARED!!!! That is what annoys me most. I get so many watchers but none of them are active. Why did you watch me? Because you liked one piece? Or did you hope to get something from me? You are out of luck, I most likely won't open requests again, because now I am doing commissions, and so far, I have had maybe two or three people commission me (Thank you by the way)
But don't you hate it when you hit a big number but hardly any of them even notice what you are doing. It's like being that one friend in the group who never gets talked to. It feels like that. All I want is your opinions, and tips on how to improve. But NOBODY has offered me advice. It makes me sad and makes me not want to draw as much anymore. I don't know what to do, because nobody will talk to me. Unwatch me if you don't find any interest in my art.
Okay, so IRL, my friends don't even speak to me anymore. Maybe one but not very often. It makes me feel more of a bad person because I feel its my fault I am so alone. The "friends" I had never really supported me when I was going through shit, but I was always there to lend a hand. I am just giving people unnecessary kindness. I am insignificant to everyone. Even online, I will do my best to help a friend, but when the tables turn, nobody is there for me. I am not trying to be attention seeking or anything, but keeping my feelings locked up will only make me feel worse each day. I just want someone to listen to me for once. Nobody appreciates what I do, and even if someone did, they never admit it.
I am sick of doing unnecessary kindness for others if all I get is shit. Call me horrible or selfish, I don't give a fuck anymore. I am just so done with people. I draw to relieve stress, and I post it for you to see, but still, I get nothing.
That's my vent for the day. Comment or not, what difference does it make